I’m not a zombie hunter. I’m not saying I would not hunt or shoot a zombie; it’s just not my current occupation or hobby. People seem to be talking about shooting zombies a lot lately and, well, being the firearms journalist I am, I figured I needed to learn something about it. After all, there’s nothing like tax deductable firearms related research.
All of you that are more in tune with the supposed, pending zombie apocalypse probably already know that several companies like Birchwood Casey, Champion and Thompson offering zombie targets. Hornady has launched a line of ammo, specifically for zombies and, though I could not find one, I’m sure there are some companies with firearms built just for that purpose. As a matter of fact, I have a few I think would work very well like my Remington 11-87 20 gauge loaded with 00 Buck, my Colt Commander lightly customized by Jerry Dove (See the current Guns Combat Annual) and my 16 inch barreled Jim Brockman lever gun chambered for the .327 Federal Magnum. There is an AR or two in the safe as well.
At any rate, my wife has a vested interest in my research since it generally leads to articles that generate the checks that buy the groceries we eat. And, in this case, it might be what saves our family. To help, she picked me up a copy of So Now You’re a Zombie – A Handbook for the Newly Undead. Her thinking was; if you are going to hunt them, you need to know how they think and survive. This of course is a good idea regardless of your quarry.
I started reading the book last night and in the first chapter there is a checklist you can use to determine if you are, in fact, a zombie. It seemed that this might be a bit obvious but I played along anyway and that’s when I made the most important discovery of my research so far…
I might be a zombie!
Why do I think this could be true? Look what I discovered on the checklist:
Item 1; you have a dismal appearance. (I have not shaved in a week, and cut my own hair with clippers this morning.)
Item 2; you’re suffering from insomnia. (This has been going on ever since deer season started.)
Item 3; you notice changes in mobility. (This started about 5 years ago and is intensified every time I try to play sports or wrestle with the Gunwriter Assistant.
Item 4: communication is difficult. (Just the other day – after receiving a manuscript – an editor asked if I was on medication.)
Item 5; you’re experiencing skin decomposition. (I have a severe case of athlete’s foot on my right foot. It itches, hurts and, well, its kind of ugly.)
Item 7; your memory is slipping. (I can’t keep the names of all my kids straight, especially when they are misbehaving.)
I would suggest any soon to be zombie hunter pick a copy of this book up. It is filled with very pertinent information about how zombies live, hunt, fight and feed. It’s also a great read when you have absolutely nothing else to do or read. You also might discover, as I have, that you are slowly becoming or already are, a ZOMBIE.